9-4 The overwhelming feeling continued today at work for most of the day. The frustration, guilt and lack of focus was back in full force. I was closer to on time today after getting up earlier than I have been so that is a plus.I took the first dose around 830am and the second around 1pm or so after we had PeiWei for lunch. I didn't eat a whole lot even though I had no snacks during the morning. They forgot our cookies again but I was too busy to even call about it. After lunch I talked to the bosses about the overwhelming feeling. Just comes down to getting more organized. I need to get out from under this mountain of backlog that I have created in order to do that. I need to do actual work in order to do that.
The second dose did not seem to impact me much one way or the other. I just noticed that it did not make things worse. I finally got in a couple of productive hours from 5-7pm and I was already feeling better about the situation.Came home for some sloppy joes that Steph had ready for me and watched a couple of episode of BBT. Came up to play FFXIV for a bit before bed but it is updating after the first scheduled downtime. Hopefully the login problems will be a thing of the past...at least we get another free week out of the deal. Plus the updating gave me the opportunity to jot down these thoughts. Maybe I can make this a habit one way or the other.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Medicinal Effects
This page is an effort to keep track of any and all effects felt by my new prescription to Adderall. On 8/27 I was official diagnosed with ADHD, Inattentive type. A few days before that I was also diagnosed with dysthymia...a "low-grade depression that can be hard to shake." It can also be a gateway into more chronic or extreme forms of depression. The two likely go hand-in-hand but I am going to focus mainly on the effects of the Adderall here. Short and to the point hopefully. (Just kidding...I talk about everything obv)
8/29 - The doctor prescribed a dosage of 20 mg twice a day. Average from what I have read (which has been very little mind you.) Once in the morning and the second dose around 1 or 2...definitely no later than 4pm. It would be likely to keep me from going to sleep if I took it any later than that. I took the first does around 7:30 AM. Didn't really feel much of anything at first. At 10am I felt this flush feeling up the back of my neck that I felt intermittently throughout the day after that. I guess that was a physical indicator? One of the problems here is that I do not really know what to look for here. Am I supposed to be more focused? More productive? More consistent with my behavior in general? I have yet to feel any of these things. I took the second dose around 1 or so a little bit before my second psychology appointment.
I feel the appointment went well. Towards the end I look at the clock a few times. We had started 30 minutes late and I wanted to make sure I got the whole 45 minutes I am paying for. $40 a visit is going to add up quickly and I want every last bit of that 45 min so I can add that to the validation I guess. He must have noticed this because at the end he asked "Did you get your money's worth?" in a jovial tone like he does. I confirmed that was the case. Mind you I was in a mellow, content mood prior to this appointment. As I exit the office, I immediately start beating myself up about being so worried with the 45 min time period. All of a sudden I am very irritated with myself. Why have I waited so long to take this step? I head back to work because there is too much work to be done for me to go home directly after the appointment like I had originally planned. That will always be the plan as I would like some time to process these appointments. Either way I can't shake the irritability. I start to wonder if this is a side-effect of the adderall. Sure it is too early to make that connection though right? I get home later and we have spaghetti around 8:30 pm. The irritability lifts immediately and I realize I have just been hungry up to this point but I hadn't realized it thanks to the adderall's appetite suppressant abilities. I had a small amount of shake and a banana before 8am. Had soup and a yogurt at 1pm. I did not eat again until 830pm. This is definitely not a normal daily diet during the week and may explain the irritability.
8/30 - After only 2 hours of sleep due to roommate shenanigans. I took the first dose around 8am. I felt all over the place on Friday. I was sure to eat fairly normal and I had the second dose around 1pm again. Still all over the place. I am not sure I can blame the adderall for this as I think the 2 hours of sleep was definitely more to blame. If anything the adderall kept me awake and alert even if I had trouble focusing. I talked a lot at work. Much more than normal. I felt guilty about it because there was plenty to work to do and Friday was not very productive at all. I told myself I would just come in on Labor Day to catch up on emails and get ready for the short week.
8/31 - I went to my first division 1 football game, Texas A&M vs. Rice. It was hot. Like 100. I had a dose in the am before we left for the game after we had breakfast around 8am. We get to campus and the game started at 12. Before it starts we go to get some food. I plan on ordering a pulled pork sandwich and a Mt. Dew. They tell me the sandwich is not available at this stand and I need to go to a center stand. The only other option was an unappetizing hotdog. I passed and decided to just get Mt. Dew. The syrup was out so it did not taste good. I settled for fruit punch Gatorade. I was 0 for 2. I should have gotten something to eat somewhere else because I was not sure when I was going to be able to again while wanting to watch the game. I went at the beginning of halftime and got a hamburger with a Mt. Dew this time. I had waited long enough to make myself feel a little queasy after taking the second dose. I am starting to wonder if I should just try one dose per day. Especially on the weekends. I had the hamburger at 2pm. A smoothie at BK after the game around 430 I think. I get home around 6 and Steph wants to take me to dinner at Texas Roadhouse. I have no appetite at this point so we wait until 8pm. I am still not super excited about it but I figured I could manage to eat something. It has never been an issue before. I struggled to pick anything out and settled for a grilled chicken salad. I am usually quite please with this choice but not on this night. I could barely eat a third of it. This appetite lose thing is not a favorable side effect. I am down 6 pounds though so I guess there is that.
9/1 - I played FFXIV while finally getting to just stay at home for the day. I took only one dose as the daily activity did not warrant a need for medicinal assistance. Nothing to report here. I did enjoy playing the game but may have felt a little guilty about doing absolutely nothing else. Like clean my room. Update my budget. Organize the closets.
9/2 - I was planning on getting up early to make a go at a productive day at work. I stayed up until 4am the previous evening so that hindered that plan quite a bit. We woke up around 11 since Steph had to work at 12. I could still put in a good half a day at work before a fantasy football draft in The Woodlands at 7pm. OR I could put some time into FFXIV and THEN go to work. I'll stop at 2...230...3.(I take my first dose here knowing that a dose can last 6-8 hours and I want to go to bed by 10pm)..4...might as well just wait for Steph to come home since I have not seen her very much lately. I can always go into work early tomorrow. Famous last words indeed. I stop playing with just enough time to run an errand for Steph and be 20 minutes late for the draft. Draft went alright but I definitely could have stayed at home and...played FFXIV while drafting. On the way home I have a feeling of impending doom. It is funny that is the only way I can think to describe it. I always see that question on health questionnaires and I can always answer no while not knowing exactly what it is. I know now and it was definitely there. I get home around 10 and play until midnight. The game took me away from the feeling of impending doom. I also feel guilty for having another unproductive day. I MUST GET UP EARLY IN THE MORNING SO I CAN MAKE UP FOR SLACKING OFF LAST WEEK AND DURING THE WEEKEND. I set my alarm for 6am so I can go into work early. I do this every night.
9/3 - Maybe the worst day so far. I get up at 6am to shut off the alarm in the bathroom. I proceed to snooze my phone alarm for the next two hours per usual and I do not leave until 815am. Get to work at 845 already feeling guilty about the start of my day. I take the first dose around 9am and the second around 2pm. I did not notice any positive effects. I started feeling overwhelmed after handling some more account receivable activity. That might be the farthest thing from my job description. I feel that if I do not fix it then no one will. It is easy enough for me to troubleshoot but not for anyone else. Why not? It really isn't that hard! It takes me away from things I should be getting done or getting caught up. This is likely just an excuse but it is probably my best one...aside from the ADHD I guess. I realize at this point I have 9 different people that can ask me for help with something at any given time. Almost never is it something I can put off until later. How in the world am I supposed to have an organized, streamlined, and productive day with so many damn distractions? THAT IS WHAT THE ADDERALL IS FOR. I was hoping anyway. It is just supposed to make everything better. Make me want to be a better employee, manager, friend, boyfriend,....son. Be a better me goddammit. Make me focus on activities that better myself so I can be all of those things. I suddenly think of many of these things all at once this afternoon. Piling on guilt after more guilt topped with even more guilt. Berating myself internally at every opportunity. Starting to feel like the adderall is only amplifying whatever mood I find myself in. Which mood will that be I ask myself? I am not sure since I have been on this stuff. I feel like I can swing pretty quickly and its always closer to the extreme than not. And of course over the years I have grown very good at internalizing everything...which only makes it worse. Since Thursday I can't even pinpoint one second where I was happy. I feel like there must have been some while I was doing all of these things I normally enjoy doing. Fantasy football draft on Friday night...two even. First real college football game on Saturday. FFXIV throughout the weekend. How much enjoyment did I actually feel this weekend? The guilt is always in the back of my mind I feel. I am pessimistic right now so that likely has an impact on this reflection but I am just not sure.
Brow wax and 30 min massage at 530pm and I feel a little better as I talk about my week and these new developments. Mainly the roommate shenanigans but I will not go into that here. Talk to my mom on the phone when I get home and I feign being ok to some extent as I do not want her worry too much. We discuss the guilt to some extent and that I need to be patient. I am remind her what a (im)patient person I am and start to tear up. I choke back the tears enough so that she cannot tell and say goodbye. I am too good at that by now. Something else I can hate about myself. Often leads to not being able to cry when I want to.
Steph makes some ham steaks for dinner and we watch BBT. We had an "uncertainty" talk mid-August about how after 10 years neither of us are certain of the future of "us." I go lay by her because I am feeling needy. I had a thought today that I would need her support to get through this mental state that I am in. She tearfully starts a conversation that leads to the mutual conclusion that this relationship is not going to work out for us anymore.
8/29 - The doctor prescribed a dosage of 20 mg twice a day. Average from what I have read (which has been very little mind you.) Once in the morning and the second dose around 1 or 2...definitely no later than 4pm. It would be likely to keep me from going to sleep if I took it any later than that. I took the first does around 7:30 AM. Didn't really feel much of anything at first. At 10am I felt this flush feeling up the back of my neck that I felt intermittently throughout the day after that. I guess that was a physical indicator? One of the problems here is that I do not really know what to look for here. Am I supposed to be more focused? More productive? More consistent with my behavior in general? I have yet to feel any of these things. I took the second dose around 1 or so a little bit before my second psychology appointment.
I feel the appointment went well. Towards the end I look at the clock a few times. We had started 30 minutes late and I wanted to make sure I got the whole 45 minutes I am paying for. $40 a visit is going to add up quickly and I want every last bit of that 45 min so I can add that to the validation I guess. He must have noticed this because at the end he asked "Did you get your money's worth?" in a jovial tone like he does. I confirmed that was the case. Mind you I was in a mellow, content mood prior to this appointment. As I exit the office, I immediately start beating myself up about being so worried with the 45 min time period. All of a sudden I am very irritated with myself. Why have I waited so long to take this step? I head back to work because there is too much work to be done for me to go home directly after the appointment like I had originally planned. That will always be the plan as I would like some time to process these appointments. Either way I can't shake the irritability. I start to wonder if this is a side-effect of the adderall. Sure it is too early to make that connection though right? I get home later and we have spaghetti around 8:30 pm. The irritability lifts immediately and I realize I have just been hungry up to this point but I hadn't realized it thanks to the adderall's appetite suppressant abilities. I had a small amount of shake and a banana before 8am. Had soup and a yogurt at 1pm. I did not eat again until 830pm. This is definitely not a normal daily diet during the week and may explain the irritability.
8/30 - After only 2 hours of sleep due to roommate shenanigans. I took the first dose around 8am. I felt all over the place on Friday. I was sure to eat fairly normal and I had the second dose around 1pm again. Still all over the place. I am not sure I can blame the adderall for this as I think the 2 hours of sleep was definitely more to blame. If anything the adderall kept me awake and alert even if I had trouble focusing. I talked a lot at work. Much more than normal. I felt guilty about it because there was plenty to work to do and Friday was not very productive at all. I told myself I would just come in on Labor Day to catch up on emails and get ready for the short week.
8/31 - I went to my first division 1 football game, Texas A&M vs. Rice. It was hot. Like 100. I had a dose in the am before we left for the game after we had breakfast around 8am. We get to campus and the game started at 12. Before it starts we go to get some food. I plan on ordering a pulled pork sandwich and a Mt. Dew. They tell me the sandwich is not available at this stand and I need to go to a center stand. The only other option was an unappetizing hotdog. I passed and decided to just get Mt. Dew. The syrup was out so it did not taste good. I settled for fruit punch Gatorade. I was 0 for 2. I should have gotten something to eat somewhere else because I was not sure when I was going to be able to again while wanting to watch the game. I went at the beginning of halftime and got a hamburger with a Mt. Dew this time. I had waited long enough to make myself feel a little queasy after taking the second dose. I am starting to wonder if I should just try one dose per day. Especially on the weekends. I had the hamburger at 2pm. A smoothie at BK after the game around 430 I think. I get home around 6 and Steph wants to take me to dinner at Texas Roadhouse. I have no appetite at this point so we wait until 8pm. I am still not super excited about it but I figured I could manage to eat something. It has never been an issue before. I struggled to pick anything out and settled for a grilled chicken salad. I am usually quite please with this choice but not on this night. I could barely eat a third of it. This appetite lose thing is not a favorable side effect. I am down 6 pounds though so I guess there is that.
9/1 - I played FFXIV while finally getting to just stay at home for the day. I took only one dose as the daily activity did not warrant a need for medicinal assistance. Nothing to report here. I did enjoy playing the game but may have felt a little guilty about doing absolutely nothing else. Like clean my room. Update my budget. Organize the closets.
9/2 - I was planning on getting up early to make a go at a productive day at work. I stayed up until 4am the previous evening so that hindered that plan quite a bit. We woke up around 11 since Steph had to work at 12. I could still put in a good half a day at work before a fantasy football draft in The Woodlands at 7pm. OR I could put some time into FFXIV and THEN go to work. I'll stop at 2...230...3.(I take my first dose here knowing that a dose can last 6-8 hours and I want to go to bed by 10pm)..4...might as well just wait for Steph to come home since I have not seen her very much lately. I can always go into work early tomorrow. Famous last words indeed. I stop playing with just enough time to run an errand for Steph and be 20 minutes late for the draft. Draft went alright but I definitely could have stayed at home and...played FFXIV while drafting. On the way home I have a feeling of impending doom. It is funny that is the only way I can think to describe it. I always see that question on health questionnaires and I can always answer no while not knowing exactly what it is. I know now and it was definitely there. I get home around 10 and play until midnight. The game took me away from the feeling of impending doom. I also feel guilty for having another unproductive day. I MUST GET UP EARLY IN THE MORNING SO I CAN MAKE UP FOR SLACKING OFF LAST WEEK AND DURING THE WEEKEND. I set my alarm for 6am so I can go into work early. I do this every night.
9/3 - Maybe the worst day so far. I get up at 6am to shut off the alarm in the bathroom. I proceed to snooze my phone alarm for the next two hours per usual and I do not leave until 815am. Get to work at 845 already feeling guilty about the start of my day. I take the first dose around 9am and the second around 2pm. I did not notice any positive effects. I started feeling overwhelmed after handling some more account receivable activity. That might be the farthest thing from my job description. I feel that if I do not fix it then no one will. It is easy enough for me to troubleshoot but not for anyone else. Why not? It really isn't that hard! It takes me away from things I should be getting done or getting caught up. This is likely just an excuse but it is probably my best one...aside from the ADHD I guess. I realize at this point I have 9 different people that can ask me for help with something at any given time. Almost never is it something I can put off until later. How in the world am I supposed to have an organized, streamlined, and productive day with so many damn distractions? THAT IS WHAT THE ADDERALL IS FOR. I was hoping anyway. It is just supposed to make everything better. Make me want to be a better employee, manager, friend, boyfriend,....son. Be a better me goddammit. Make me focus on activities that better myself so I can be all of those things. I suddenly think of many of these things all at once this afternoon. Piling on guilt after more guilt topped with even more guilt. Berating myself internally at every opportunity. Starting to feel like the adderall is only amplifying whatever mood I find myself in. Which mood will that be I ask myself? I am not sure since I have been on this stuff. I feel like I can swing pretty quickly and its always closer to the extreme than not. And of course over the years I have grown very good at internalizing everything...which only makes it worse. Since Thursday I can't even pinpoint one second where I was happy. I feel like there must have been some while I was doing all of these things I normally enjoy doing. Fantasy football draft on Friday night...two even. First real college football game on Saturday. FFXIV throughout the weekend. How much enjoyment did I actually feel this weekend? The guilt is always in the back of my mind I feel. I am pessimistic right now so that likely has an impact on this reflection but I am just not sure.
Brow wax and 30 min massage at 530pm and I feel a little better as I talk about my week and these new developments. Mainly the roommate shenanigans but I will not go into that here. Talk to my mom on the phone when I get home and I feign being ok to some extent as I do not want her worry too much. We discuss the guilt to some extent and that I need to be patient. I am remind her what a (im)patient person I am and start to tear up. I choke back the tears enough so that she cannot tell and say goodbye. I am too good at that by now. Something else I can hate about myself. Often leads to not being able to cry when I want to.
Steph makes some ham steaks for dinner and we watch BBT. We had an "uncertainty" talk mid-August about how after 10 years neither of us are certain of the future of "us." I go lay by her because I am feeling needy. I had a thought today that I would need her support to get through this mental state that I am in. She tearfully starts a conversation that leads to the mutual conclusion that this relationship is not going to work out for us anymore.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
2013...Intentions
A facebook friend posted this gem the other day and I figured I could use it as a jumping off point for discussing my intentions for this year. Gonna let it sink in for a day and then I will discuss each section one entry at a time I think.
40 WAYS TO BETTER HEALTH IN 2013 -
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants, and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E’s — Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
5. Make time for meditation and reflection
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2012.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for at least 7 hours.
Personality:
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day —- and while you walk, smile.
11. Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don’t over do; keep your limits.
14. Don’t take yourself so seriously; no one else does.
15. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
Community:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time with people over the age of 70&under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your family and friends will. Stay in touch.
Life:
32. Do the right things.
33. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. Forgiveness heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, don’t take it for granted – embrace life.
39. Your inner most is always happy. So, be happy and ENJOY LIFE!
Last but not least:
40. Grow your relationship with God
Ugh....that last one is awkward and definitely deserves its own post...can't wait for that.
I just finished scheduling my week. Now that I have a tablet I would really like to get the most out of the google system. All of this technology at my fingertips should help me to accomplish many of my goals for the year that deal with personal growth. Managing my time better will certainly go a long way towards getting that done.
"how I broke my snooze habit:
I placed my alarm clock on other end of bedroom, far out of reach. I also changed it from a beeping tone to a very annoying music station and turned the volume way up. This way I could not just smash snooze and roll over and I certainly couldn't just ignore it because it was playing shitty music at an unbearably loud volume. The only way to make it stop was to get out of bed and walk 10 feet to the alarm clock.
I think I actually broke the habit pretty in about 10 days, but I kept it across the room for another month or two just to reinforce to my body that once I'm up, I'm up.
after a couple months, I moved the alarm back bedside and just continued to get up when the alarm went off.
also, I agree with others that if you set your alarm for the time you actually must wake up, rather than 10-20 mins beforehand, you will stop enabling yourself to snooze."
Yeah I think I addressed this. I actually can get up several times to hit snooze even though the obnoxious alarm is in the bathroom and stumbling into the shower or even splashing cold water on my face should be the plan. Seems pretty simple in theory and I just need to man up and stop snoozing. I set the alarm that early because I have things I would like to do in the morning that will result in a better start to the day. Setting it for right before I need to leave is not an option here if I want to improve.
"Random thought: your writing needs to be WAY more concise. You could say the same thing with half the space"
When I am trying to write well...like for a technical writing assignment...or a work email or something...I can do this fairly easily but I take time to think about what I am saying. That's not what I am looking for here. This is supposed to be reflective therapy. A reflection of what is going my head in regards to what has happened during my day and in the world around me. Until I get used to doing it on a daily basis and the process is refined I will be pretty verbose. I understand where you are coming from though and I appreciate the comment.
"i agree with allen, man. the only way to start any of those things is just to do them. where does your free time go so that you can't just spend an hour working on that crap? i think blogging everyday might be a stretch. maybe try for a weekly update? so you can see how much you've progressed over the week. day-to-day might not yield enough positive results to keep you motivated.
also, it IS nice that bing's being so nice. im hoping that maybe if he keeps it up, he'll become sincere about it, instead of ironic."
I agree 100%. Just need to man up. I will not succeed in life accepting the amount of laziness and lack of motivation I have had up to this point. I am very lucky to be where I am at and I need to take advantage of the situation instead of just doing enough to get by and hoping everything falls the way I want it to. If I can't manage my day well enough to allow time for this blog everyday then whats the point. As it starts I think I need to do it everyday to create the habit and ensure I am doing my best to change my ways. Eventually I could see doing it weekly as once everything is going the way I would like it to there may be less to blog about. I enjoy Bing being nice as well. Whether it is ironic or not it is a nice change of pace from the normal TMZ attitude. I look forward to it continuing.
Here's to hoping.
40 WAYS TO BETTER HEALTH IN 2013 -
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants, and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E’s — Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
5. Make time for meditation and reflection
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2012.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for at least 7 hours.
Personality:
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day —- and while you walk, smile.
11. Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don’t over do; keep your limits.
14. Don’t take yourself so seriously; no one else does.
15. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
Community:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time with people over the age of 70&under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your family and friends will. Stay in touch.
Life:
32. Do the right things.
33. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. Forgiveness heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, don’t take it for granted – embrace life.
39. Your inner most is always happy. So, be happy and ENJOY LIFE!
Last but not least:
40. Grow your relationship with God
Ugh....that last one is awkward and definitely deserves its own post...can't wait for that.
I just finished scheduling my week. Now that I have a tablet I would really like to get the most out of the google system. All of this technology at my fingertips should help me to accomplish many of my goals for the year that deal with personal growth. Managing my time better will certainly go a long way towards getting that done.
"how I broke my snooze habit:
I placed my alarm clock on other end of bedroom, far out of reach. I also changed it from a beeping tone to a very annoying music station and turned the volume way up. This way I could not just smash snooze and roll over and I certainly couldn't just ignore it because it was playing shitty music at an unbearably loud volume. The only way to make it stop was to get out of bed and walk 10 feet to the alarm clock.
I think I actually broke the habit pretty in about 10 days, but I kept it across the room for another month or two just to reinforce to my body that once I'm up, I'm up.
after a couple months, I moved the alarm back bedside and just continued to get up when the alarm went off.
also, I agree with others that if you set your alarm for the time you actually must wake up, rather than 10-20 mins beforehand, you will stop enabling yourself to snooze."
Yeah I think I addressed this. I actually can get up several times to hit snooze even though the obnoxious alarm is in the bathroom and stumbling into the shower or even splashing cold water on my face should be the plan. Seems pretty simple in theory and I just need to man up and stop snoozing. I set the alarm that early because I have things I would like to do in the morning that will result in a better start to the day. Setting it for right before I need to leave is not an option here if I want to improve.
"Random thought: your writing needs to be WAY more concise. You could say the same thing with half the space"
When I am trying to write well...like for a technical writing assignment...or a work email or something...I can do this fairly easily but I take time to think about what I am saying. That's not what I am looking for here. This is supposed to be reflective therapy. A reflection of what is going my head in regards to what has happened during my day and in the world around me. Until I get used to doing it on a daily basis and the process is refined I will be pretty verbose. I understand where you are coming from though and I appreciate the comment.
"i agree with allen, man. the only way to start any of those things is just to do them. where does your free time go so that you can't just spend an hour working on that crap? i think blogging everyday might be a stretch. maybe try for a weekly update? so you can see how much you've progressed over the week. day-to-day might not yield enough positive results to keep you motivated.
also, it IS nice that bing's being so nice. im hoping that maybe if he keeps it up, he'll become sincere about it, instead of ironic."
I agree 100%. Just need to man up. I will not succeed in life accepting the amount of laziness and lack of motivation I have had up to this point. I am very lucky to be where I am at and I need to take advantage of the situation instead of just doing enough to get by and hoping everything falls the way I want it to. If I can't manage my day well enough to allow time for this blog everyday then whats the point. As it starts I think I need to do it everyday to create the habit and ensure I am doing my best to change my ways. Eventually I could see doing it weekly as once everything is going the way I would like it to there may be less to blog about. I enjoy Bing being nice as well. Whether it is ironic or not it is a nice change of pace from the normal TMZ attitude. I look forward to it continuing.
Here's to hoping.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Don't You Do It!
Today definitely was not as productive as I could have hoped for as the only real bright spot was showing up to work before 8am at 7:45. The lab hours are from 8-4 but in recent months my days are a lot closer to start time of 8:15-9am with a closing time of 5-6pm. That is why it is hard for me to show up at or before 8am. I have a lot of leeway. Leeway has never been a good thing for me. Probably one of the reasons I have trouble progressing as a manager but I will leave that for another time. Time-wise I am not responsible for customer interaction so it is not mandatory that I am there to answer phones at 8am. Being on the production side of things allows for somewhat of a "just get the job done no matter the hours" sort of mentality. Which is kinda nice I must admit. However I really feel like my productivity increases when I get there earlier. It usually means that I got up without snoozing for 1-2 hours which leaves me fresh in the morning while not rushing and having to wake up at work. Snoozing might be the most confusing trait of mine. There is zero logic behind it. There are zero benefits to it. It is something I have done my entire adult life even though I am aware there is no benefit while recognizing the downside of leaving me lethargic to begin the day often setting a bad tone for the day. It is not just one alarm either. More often than not it is my phone alarm next to the bed in addition to an iHome alarm in the bathroom that gets really fucking obnoxious really quickly. I have been known to snooze both alarms for over an hour...yes that means getting out of bed every ten minutes to hit that big ole snooze button on the iHome. It really boggles my mind as to why I do it. So naturally if i have any chance of defeating my laziness this year the snoozing must go. Plus going in earlier leads to leaving earlier (not always) which usually leads to a more productive night.
Though I arrived a tad early I wasn't as productive at work as I would have liked though. I finished 2 of 8 tasks I had set for myself at the beginning of the day. This is often occurs during the beginning of the month when I have month wrap-up activities to take care of...never a big fan of those. This month is the biggest whammy of them all because a year end wrap-up is required of me in addition to preparing for the next management review (required by ISO) which is coming up later in January. The natural lazy tendency is to procrastinate as long as possible on these tasks until there is an external pressure (the boss in this case) to get them done. To buck this trend I will get the monthly wrap-up finished tomorrow and get started on, if not finish, the management review preparation. I doubt this will get done tomorrow as it will include year-end wrap-ups, 2013 goal-setting, review of lab performance based on documentation that may or may not be completed yet, and some progress reports. Let's just get it started. Of course the boss will not be in until next Tuesday so in the back of my mind I know nothing needs to be done or even worked on until that time. But fuck that...we are getting this shit done by the end of the week.
I also have a new guy coming in tomorrow to replace Trey in the part-time college student position (read: 18ish hours). We are trying to develop a relationship with Lonstar Montgomery where they offer up a young and motivated pool of budding scientists and we pluck one or two out for a semester to help out with lab odds and ends. Trey worked out really well so I hope this new guy does too. Personnel priority #1 will be handled if that happens. At the end of the year I had a good talk with the Johns regarding personnel issues I have and they prioritized them for me. There are 3...maybe 4. I would like to handle #3 ASAP but I have to handle 1 and 2 first of course. I am an impatient person. #2 will be handled in the coming weeks so I will take solace in that. Pretty ridiculous given the number of people in the lab. I look forward to having a stronger workforce around me by the end of the year.
An end of day push left me still not leaving work until after 5. This put me home after 6 at which point I vegged out. FAIL. But hey we got the blog done at least right?! Even if it is without the new year goals and intentions...they are coming I promise. You need them. I need them. Still somehow getting to bed late as well. AND I didn't workout at all. ARGH! What a way to kill the day...
By this time tomorrow I will have:
Been sleeping for an hour and a half.
Blogged
Started getting my budget planning together.
Started setting some goals for the year.
Finished cleaning the downstairs.
Worked out.
Worked a successful 8-9 hour day involving getting a new employee started, finishing monthly reports, and starting management review preparation.
Arrived to work before 8.
Completed a small morning warm-up.
Awoken to the alarm and not hit the snooze bar once.
Here's to hoping.
Though I arrived a tad early I wasn't as productive at work as I would have liked though. I finished 2 of 8 tasks I had set for myself at the beginning of the day. This is often occurs during the beginning of the month when I have month wrap-up activities to take care of...never a big fan of those. This month is the biggest whammy of them all because a year end wrap-up is required of me in addition to preparing for the next management review (required by ISO) which is coming up later in January. The natural lazy tendency is to procrastinate as long as possible on these tasks until there is an external pressure (the boss in this case) to get them done. To buck this trend I will get the monthly wrap-up finished tomorrow and get started on, if not finish, the management review preparation. I doubt this will get done tomorrow as it will include year-end wrap-ups, 2013 goal-setting, review of lab performance based on documentation that may or may not be completed yet, and some progress reports. Let's just get it started. Of course the boss will not be in until next Tuesday so in the back of my mind I know nothing needs to be done or even worked on until that time. But fuck that...we are getting this shit done by the end of the week.
I also have a new guy coming in tomorrow to replace Trey in the part-time college student position (read: 18ish hours). We are trying to develop a relationship with Lonstar Montgomery where they offer up a young and motivated pool of budding scientists and we pluck one or two out for a semester to help out with lab odds and ends. Trey worked out really well so I hope this new guy does too. Personnel priority #1 will be handled if that happens. At the end of the year I had a good talk with the Johns regarding personnel issues I have and they prioritized them for me. There are 3...maybe 4. I would like to handle #3 ASAP but I have to handle 1 and 2 first of course. I am an impatient person. #2 will be handled in the coming weeks so I will take solace in that. Pretty ridiculous given the number of people in the lab. I look forward to having a stronger workforce around me by the end of the year.
An end of day push left me still not leaving work until after 5. This put me home after 6 at which point I vegged out. FAIL. But hey we got the blog done at least right?! Even if it is without the new year goals and intentions...they are coming I promise. You need them. I need them. Still somehow getting to bed late as well. AND I didn't workout at all. ARGH! What a way to kill the day...
By this time tomorrow I will have:
Been sleeping for an hour and a half.
Blogged
Started getting my budget planning together.
Started setting some goals for the year.
Finished cleaning the downstairs.
Worked out.
Worked a successful 8-9 hour day involving getting a new employee started, finishing monthly reports, and starting management review preparation.
Arrived to work before 8.
Completed a small morning warm-up.
Awoken to the alarm and not hit the snooze bar once.
Here's to hoping.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Life starts now....in 2013
Kind of a late start with this one so I must be brief. Had a really productive day of cleaning the bedroom and bathroom while unpacking as well. Started the day with a to-do list and actually got some of the items checked off. Cleaning stuff took a lot longer than planned so the items I did not hit were:
Cleaning the downstairs
Working on the budget
Setting goals for the week/month/year
Extensive blog post covering the goals
I am making an effort with this small post though so that makes me happy. In the coming days I will go over the things I would like to accomplish in 2013 and maybe do a little reflection on 2012. The reflection will be lacking as I tend to forget a lot of things it would seem. Hopefully in one year I will be able to use this blog...among other things... to do some serious reflecting on how successful I was in eradicating laziness from my life. Today was a wonderful start...I even got a run in using some sweet new cold weather gear I received from my cousin Tricia. Creating a to-do list seemed to be a good start to the day and I plan on keeping it up for personal and work means.
Here's to hoping.
Cleaning the downstairs
Working on the budget
Setting goals for the week/month/year
Extensive blog post covering the goals
I am making an effort with this small post though so that makes me happy. In the coming days I will go over the things I would like to accomplish in 2013 and maybe do a little reflection on 2012. The reflection will be lacking as I tend to forget a lot of things it would seem. Hopefully in one year I will be able to use this blog...among other things... to do some serious reflecting on how successful I was in eradicating laziness from my life. Today was a wonderful start...I even got a run in using some sweet new cold weather gear I received from my cousin Tricia. Creating a to-do list seemed to be a good start to the day and I plan on keeping it up for personal and work means.
Here's to hoping.
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