9-4 The overwhelming feeling continued today at work for most of the day. The frustration, guilt and lack of focus was back in full force. I was closer to on time today after getting up earlier than I have been so that is a plus.I took the first dose around 830am and the second around 1pm or so after we had PeiWei for lunch. I didn't eat a whole lot even though I had no snacks during the morning. They forgot our cookies again but I was too busy to even call about it. After lunch I talked to the bosses about the overwhelming feeling. Just comes down to getting more organized. I need to get out from under this mountain of backlog that I have created in order to do that. I need to do actual work in order to do that.
The second dose did not seem to impact me much one way or the other. I just noticed that it did not make things worse. I finally got in a couple of productive hours from 5-7pm and I was already feeling better about the situation.Came home for some sloppy joes that Steph had ready for me and watched a couple of episode of BBT. Came up to play FFXIV for a bit before bed but it is updating after the first scheduled downtime. Hopefully the login problems will be a thing of the past...at least we get another free week out of the deal. Plus the updating gave me the opportunity to jot down these thoughts. Maybe I can make this a habit one way or the other.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Medicinal Effects
This page is an effort to keep track of any and all effects felt by my new prescription to Adderall. On 8/27 I was official diagnosed with ADHD, Inattentive type. A few days before that I was also diagnosed with dysthymia...a "low-grade depression that can be hard to shake." It can also be a gateway into more chronic or extreme forms of depression. The two likely go hand-in-hand but I am going to focus mainly on the effects of the Adderall here. Short and to the point hopefully. (Just kidding...I talk about everything obv)
8/29 - The doctor prescribed a dosage of 20 mg twice a day. Average from what I have read (which has been very little mind you.) Once in the morning and the second dose around 1 or 2...definitely no later than 4pm. It would be likely to keep me from going to sleep if I took it any later than that. I took the first does around 7:30 AM. Didn't really feel much of anything at first. At 10am I felt this flush feeling up the back of my neck that I felt intermittently throughout the day after that. I guess that was a physical indicator? One of the problems here is that I do not really know what to look for here. Am I supposed to be more focused? More productive? More consistent with my behavior in general? I have yet to feel any of these things. I took the second dose around 1 or so a little bit before my second psychology appointment.
I feel the appointment went well. Towards the end I look at the clock a few times. We had started 30 minutes late and I wanted to make sure I got the whole 45 minutes I am paying for. $40 a visit is going to add up quickly and I want every last bit of that 45 min so I can add that to the validation I guess. He must have noticed this because at the end he asked "Did you get your money's worth?" in a jovial tone like he does. I confirmed that was the case. Mind you I was in a mellow, content mood prior to this appointment. As I exit the office, I immediately start beating myself up about being so worried with the 45 min time period. All of a sudden I am very irritated with myself. Why have I waited so long to take this step? I head back to work because there is too much work to be done for me to go home directly after the appointment like I had originally planned. That will always be the plan as I would like some time to process these appointments. Either way I can't shake the irritability. I start to wonder if this is a side-effect of the adderall. Sure it is too early to make that connection though right? I get home later and we have spaghetti around 8:30 pm. The irritability lifts immediately and I realize I have just been hungry up to this point but I hadn't realized it thanks to the adderall's appetite suppressant abilities. I had a small amount of shake and a banana before 8am. Had soup and a yogurt at 1pm. I did not eat again until 830pm. This is definitely not a normal daily diet during the week and may explain the irritability.
8/30 - After only 2 hours of sleep due to roommate shenanigans. I took the first dose around 8am. I felt all over the place on Friday. I was sure to eat fairly normal and I had the second dose around 1pm again. Still all over the place. I am not sure I can blame the adderall for this as I think the 2 hours of sleep was definitely more to blame. If anything the adderall kept me awake and alert even if I had trouble focusing. I talked a lot at work. Much more than normal. I felt guilty about it because there was plenty to work to do and Friday was not very productive at all. I told myself I would just come in on Labor Day to catch up on emails and get ready for the short week.
8/31 - I went to my first division 1 football game, Texas A&M vs. Rice. It was hot. Like 100. I had a dose in the am before we left for the game after we had breakfast around 8am. We get to campus and the game started at 12. Before it starts we go to get some food. I plan on ordering a pulled pork sandwich and a Mt. Dew. They tell me the sandwich is not available at this stand and I need to go to a center stand. The only other option was an unappetizing hotdog. I passed and decided to just get Mt. Dew. The syrup was out so it did not taste good. I settled for fruit punch Gatorade. I was 0 for 2. I should have gotten something to eat somewhere else because I was not sure when I was going to be able to again while wanting to watch the game. I went at the beginning of halftime and got a hamburger with a Mt. Dew this time. I had waited long enough to make myself feel a little queasy after taking the second dose. I am starting to wonder if I should just try one dose per day. Especially on the weekends. I had the hamburger at 2pm. A smoothie at BK after the game around 430 I think. I get home around 6 and Steph wants to take me to dinner at Texas Roadhouse. I have no appetite at this point so we wait until 8pm. I am still not super excited about it but I figured I could manage to eat something. It has never been an issue before. I struggled to pick anything out and settled for a grilled chicken salad. I am usually quite please with this choice but not on this night. I could barely eat a third of it. This appetite lose thing is not a favorable side effect. I am down 6 pounds though so I guess there is that.
9/1 - I played FFXIV while finally getting to just stay at home for the day. I took only one dose as the daily activity did not warrant a need for medicinal assistance. Nothing to report here. I did enjoy playing the game but may have felt a little guilty about doing absolutely nothing else. Like clean my room. Update my budget. Organize the closets.
9/2 - I was planning on getting up early to make a go at a productive day at work. I stayed up until 4am the previous evening so that hindered that plan quite a bit. We woke up around 11 since Steph had to work at 12. I could still put in a good half a day at work before a fantasy football draft in The Woodlands at 7pm. OR I could put some time into FFXIV and THEN go to work. I'll stop at 2...230...3.(I take my first dose here knowing that a dose can last 6-8 hours and I want to go to bed by 10pm)..4...might as well just wait for Steph to come home since I have not seen her very much lately. I can always go into work early tomorrow. Famous last words indeed. I stop playing with just enough time to run an errand for Steph and be 20 minutes late for the draft. Draft went alright but I definitely could have stayed at home and...played FFXIV while drafting. On the way home I have a feeling of impending doom. It is funny that is the only way I can think to describe it. I always see that question on health questionnaires and I can always answer no while not knowing exactly what it is. I know now and it was definitely there. I get home around 10 and play until midnight. The game took me away from the feeling of impending doom. I also feel guilty for having another unproductive day. I MUST GET UP EARLY IN THE MORNING SO I CAN MAKE UP FOR SLACKING OFF LAST WEEK AND DURING THE WEEKEND. I set my alarm for 6am so I can go into work early. I do this every night.
9/3 - Maybe the worst day so far. I get up at 6am to shut off the alarm in the bathroom. I proceed to snooze my phone alarm for the next two hours per usual and I do not leave until 815am. Get to work at 845 already feeling guilty about the start of my day. I take the first dose around 9am and the second around 2pm. I did not notice any positive effects. I started feeling overwhelmed after handling some more account receivable activity. That might be the farthest thing from my job description. I feel that if I do not fix it then no one will. It is easy enough for me to troubleshoot but not for anyone else. Why not? It really isn't that hard! It takes me away from things I should be getting done or getting caught up. This is likely just an excuse but it is probably my best one...aside from the ADHD I guess. I realize at this point I have 9 different people that can ask me for help with something at any given time. Almost never is it something I can put off until later. How in the world am I supposed to have an organized, streamlined, and productive day with so many damn distractions? THAT IS WHAT THE ADDERALL IS FOR. I was hoping anyway. It is just supposed to make everything better. Make me want to be a better employee, manager, friend, boyfriend,....son. Be a better me goddammit. Make me focus on activities that better myself so I can be all of those things. I suddenly think of many of these things all at once this afternoon. Piling on guilt after more guilt topped with even more guilt. Berating myself internally at every opportunity. Starting to feel like the adderall is only amplifying whatever mood I find myself in. Which mood will that be I ask myself? I am not sure since I have been on this stuff. I feel like I can swing pretty quickly and its always closer to the extreme than not. And of course over the years I have grown very good at internalizing everything...which only makes it worse. Since Thursday I can't even pinpoint one second where I was happy. I feel like there must have been some while I was doing all of these things I normally enjoy doing. Fantasy football draft on Friday night...two even. First real college football game on Saturday. FFXIV throughout the weekend. How much enjoyment did I actually feel this weekend? The guilt is always in the back of my mind I feel. I am pessimistic right now so that likely has an impact on this reflection but I am just not sure.
Brow wax and 30 min massage at 530pm and I feel a little better as I talk about my week and these new developments. Mainly the roommate shenanigans but I will not go into that here. Talk to my mom on the phone when I get home and I feign being ok to some extent as I do not want her worry too much. We discuss the guilt to some extent and that I need to be patient. I am remind her what a (im)patient person I am and start to tear up. I choke back the tears enough so that she cannot tell and say goodbye. I am too good at that by now. Something else I can hate about myself. Often leads to not being able to cry when I want to.
Steph makes some ham steaks for dinner and we watch BBT. We had an "uncertainty" talk mid-August about how after 10 years neither of us are certain of the future of "us." I go lay by her because I am feeling needy. I had a thought today that I would need her support to get through this mental state that I am in. She tearfully starts a conversation that leads to the mutual conclusion that this relationship is not going to work out for us anymore.
8/29 - The doctor prescribed a dosage of 20 mg twice a day. Average from what I have read (which has been very little mind you.) Once in the morning and the second dose around 1 or 2...definitely no later than 4pm. It would be likely to keep me from going to sleep if I took it any later than that. I took the first does around 7:30 AM. Didn't really feel much of anything at first. At 10am I felt this flush feeling up the back of my neck that I felt intermittently throughout the day after that. I guess that was a physical indicator? One of the problems here is that I do not really know what to look for here. Am I supposed to be more focused? More productive? More consistent with my behavior in general? I have yet to feel any of these things. I took the second dose around 1 or so a little bit before my second psychology appointment.
I feel the appointment went well. Towards the end I look at the clock a few times. We had started 30 minutes late and I wanted to make sure I got the whole 45 minutes I am paying for. $40 a visit is going to add up quickly and I want every last bit of that 45 min so I can add that to the validation I guess. He must have noticed this because at the end he asked "Did you get your money's worth?" in a jovial tone like he does. I confirmed that was the case. Mind you I was in a mellow, content mood prior to this appointment. As I exit the office, I immediately start beating myself up about being so worried with the 45 min time period. All of a sudden I am very irritated with myself. Why have I waited so long to take this step? I head back to work because there is too much work to be done for me to go home directly after the appointment like I had originally planned. That will always be the plan as I would like some time to process these appointments. Either way I can't shake the irritability. I start to wonder if this is a side-effect of the adderall. Sure it is too early to make that connection though right? I get home later and we have spaghetti around 8:30 pm. The irritability lifts immediately and I realize I have just been hungry up to this point but I hadn't realized it thanks to the adderall's appetite suppressant abilities. I had a small amount of shake and a banana before 8am. Had soup and a yogurt at 1pm. I did not eat again until 830pm. This is definitely not a normal daily diet during the week and may explain the irritability.
8/30 - After only 2 hours of sleep due to roommate shenanigans. I took the first dose around 8am. I felt all over the place on Friday. I was sure to eat fairly normal and I had the second dose around 1pm again. Still all over the place. I am not sure I can blame the adderall for this as I think the 2 hours of sleep was definitely more to blame. If anything the adderall kept me awake and alert even if I had trouble focusing. I talked a lot at work. Much more than normal. I felt guilty about it because there was plenty to work to do and Friday was not very productive at all. I told myself I would just come in on Labor Day to catch up on emails and get ready for the short week.
8/31 - I went to my first division 1 football game, Texas A&M vs. Rice. It was hot. Like 100. I had a dose in the am before we left for the game after we had breakfast around 8am. We get to campus and the game started at 12. Before it starts we go to get some food. I plan on ordering a pulled pork sandwich and a Mt. Dew. They tell me the sandwich is not available at this stand and I need to go to a center stand. The only other option was an unappetizing hotdog. I passed and decided to just get Mt. Dew. The syrup was out so it did not taste good. I settled for fruit punch Gatorade. I was 0 for 2. I should have gotten something to eat somewhere else because I was not sure when I was going to be able to again while wanting to watch the game. I went at the beginning of halftime and got a hamburger with a Mt. Dew this time. I had waited long enough to make myself feel a little queasy after taking the second dose. I am starting to wonder if I should just try one dose per day. Especially on the weekends. I had the hamburger at 2pm. A smoothie at BK after the game around 430 I think. I get home around 6 and Steph wants to take me to dinner at Texas Roadhouse. I have no appetite at this point so we wait until 8pm. I am still not super excited about it but I figured I could manage to eat something. It has never been an issue before. I struggled to pick anything out and settled for a grilled chicken salad. I am usually quite please with this choice but not on this night. I could barely eat a third of it. This appetite lose thing is not a favorable side effect. I am down 6 pounds though so I guess there is that.
9/1 - I played FFXIV while finally getting to just stay at home for the day. I took only one dose as the daily activity did not warrant a need for medicinal assistance. Nothing to report here. I did enjoy playing the game but may have felt a little guilty about doing absolutely nothing else. Like clean my room. Update my budget. Organize the closets.
9/2 - I was planning on getting up early to make a go at a productive day at work. I stayed up until 4am the previous evening so that hindered that plan quite a bit. We woke up around 11 since Steph had to work at 12. I could still put in a good half a day at work before a fantasy football draft in The Woodlands at 7pm. OR I could put some time into FFXIV and THEN go to work. I'll stop at 2...230...3.(I take my first dose here knowing that a dose can last 6-8 hours and I want to go to bed by 10pm)..4...might as well just wait for Steph to come home since I have not seen her very much lately. I can always go into work early tomorrow. Famous last words indeed. I stop playing with just enough time to run an errand for Steph and be 20 minutes late for the draft. Draft went alright but I definitely could have stayed at home and...played FFXIV while drafting. On the way home I have a feeling of impending doom. It is funny that is the only way I can think to describe it. I always see that question on health questionnaires and I can always answer no while not knowing exactly what it is. I know now and it was definitely there. I get home around 10 and play until midnight. The game took me away from the feeling of impending doom. I also feel guilty for having another unproductive day. I MUST GET UP EARLY IN THE MORNING SO I CAN MAKE UP FOR SLACKING OFF LAST WEEK AND DURING THE WEEKEND. I set my alarm for 6am so I can go into work early. I do this every night.
9/3 - Maybe the worst day so far. I get up at 6am to shut off the alarm in the bathroom. I proceed to snooze my phone alarm for the next two hours per usual and I do not leave until 815am. Get to work at 845 already feeling guilty about the start of my day. I take the first dose around 9am and the second around 2pm. I did not notice any positive effects. I started feeling overwhelmed after handling some more account receivable activity. That might be the farthest thing from my job description. I feel that if I do not fix it then no one will. It is easy enough for me to troubleshoot but not for anyone else. Why not? It really isn't that hard! It takes me away from things I should be getting done or getting caught up. This is likely just an excuse but it is probably my best one...aside from the ADHD I guess. I realize at this point I have 9 different people that can ask me for help with something at any given time. Almost never is it something I can put off until later. How in the world am I supposed to have an organized, streamlined, and productive day with so many damn distractions? THAT IS WHAT THE ADDERALL IS FOR. I was hoping anyway. It is just supposed to make everything better. Make me want to be a better employee, manager, friend, boyfriend,....son. Be a better me goddammit. Make me focus on activities that better myself so I can be all of those things. I suddenly think of many of these things all at once this afternoon. Piling on guilt after more guilt topped with even more guilt. Berating myself internally at every opportunity. Starting to feel like the adderall is only amplifying whatever mood I find myself in. Which mood will that be I ask myself? I am not sure since I have been on this stuff. I feel like I can swing pretty quickly and its always closer to the extreme than not. And of course over the years I have grown very good at internalizing everything...which only makes it worse. Since Thursday I can't even pinpoint one second where I was happy. I feel like there must have been some while I was doing all of these things I normally enjoy doing. Fantasy football draft on Friday night...two even. First real college football game on Saturday. FFXIV throughout the weekend. How much enjoyment did I actually feel this weekend? The guilt is always in the back of my mind I feel. I am pessimistic right now so that likely has an impact on this reflection but I am just not sure.
Brow wax and 30 min massage at 530pm and I feel a little better as I talk about my week and these new developments. Mainly the roommate shenanigans but I will not go into that here. Talk to my mom on the phone when I get home and I feign being ok to some extent as I do not want her worry too much. We discuss the guilt to some extent and that I need to be patient. I am remind her what a (im)patient person I am and start to tear up. I choke back the tears enough so that she cannot tell and say goodbye. I am too good at that by now. Something else I can hate about myself. Often leads to not being able to cry when I want to.
Steph makes some ham steaks for dinner and we watch BBT. We had an "uncertainty" talk mid-August about how after 10 years neither of us are certain of the future of "us." I go lay by her because I am feeling needy. I had a thought today that I would need her support to get through this mental state that I am in. She tearfully starts a conversation that leads to the mutual conclusion that this relationship is not going to work out for us anymore.
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